May 14, 2012

Ready To Give Up

I am so tired and all I want to do is go and have a hug from my mum and dad. I can't explain what I am feeling right now, but all I want to do is escape, or as my dad likes to say "Go to the mountains to think". I know I'm past the half way mark, but I think it's getting harder to stay here because I think about how comfortable I am with being myself at home, and compare it to the bull shit here. I am so fucking sick of it, I am always true to myself but I can't stand it when people critisize who I am. I want to just go, I don't care where, I just want some excitement. Something that shows me that no matter what happens to me in this shit hole, I am loved, and it is ok to be who I am.

This is a picture of my Little Brother and Me on our way to a concert during the last summer holidays. We have always been so close, because for so long we have only had eachother because we travel around so much. But lately we haven't been as close, and that kills me as well. But I know, deep down in my heart, that where ever I am, and where ever he is, we will always be best friends...

I was sitting in a really fancy resturant and my ten year old sister turned to me with a cheeky smile and said something about how the food looked like cow manuare, which then promted my brother and I to make the "LOL FACES" That are often seen on

Every Year there is a Songkran festival in thailand, which is basically a water festival where the all the bad karama is gotten rid of, and acts like a new year. Mum, Dad, my little sister, brother, me and a few family friends decided to go down to the biggest street in Bangkok and spray water like everyone else. It makes me happy everytime I think about it, but sad because I know that I can never go back. It's like every time I play it back it's in slow motion, the way I ran around laughing, and trying to run away from the icy cold water which contrasted the heat and humidity of Bangkok.

My Little sister begged my brother, dad and I to take her to one of Thailands water/theme parks for her tenth birthday, so we did. We rode all the rides, no matter how scary it was, or how wet we got. For a ten year old she had more courage than I do as an almost 18 year old. There was one ride which I was sure would break, and with four loops I was not too keen. But the thing is, sitting in a cart, which smelled like vomit, with my daddy, sissy and brother was the best thing that I could have done that day. The first ride my sister asked to go on the was the double decker merry go round. Of course it wasn't the most eventful ride in the world, but watching her little face light up was enough to make my day. I miss her, and I miss watching her grow up, and having a part in it.

No comments: